Hai there🙂, Today I want to share with you my journey to face fear (knowing and unknowingly).
Hari ini, Honey bunny sweety bikin perubahan penanggung jawab kegiatan di farm buat kami sekeluarga.
My farm work is milking, making feta and butter, medicine and the aquaponics.
Fina “mimi” my super soul co-wife is sewing, food forest, and cooking.
Yusuf is goat n sheep.
Zak is blacksmith, carpenter and bees.
And honey is to continue his study and supervising everybody work and teaching us.
It’s been 30 months since we move up to our mountain place called home. And its been hundred times of changing plans, schedules, responsibility swap. It’s been the most roller coaster adjustment of life I’ve experienced in my whole life.
I witness that every time honey decide something for me, I feel like it’s a huge blessing and gratitude and once in a while, YES! its a resentment and excuses and lots of excuses (good one! that really sip into my soul n brain and become my truth that I aware or not aware belief in it. This kind of ego is super toxic & dangerous!). And on top of that, I’m telling my self of why its not the best thing for me to do. Why? because I once again get responsibilities that I have the most fear of from the things he put on me.
This time, the thing I’m not comfortable with is milking goat n sheep, mostly goat, and its not that I’m afraid with them, but somehow I have fear that I need to find out why (because rite now I don’t know why), and what are the causes and find something to laugh over my fear🙂 so I can learn, be bold about it and take responsible.
I am So happy that I get appointed with making cheese and butter for the family, I’m very comfortable with that, but I do know, something that is comfortable is not a good place of learning, boo!). And for medicine side, I’ve been wanting to get this responsible for years and years but honey always say no (for whatever reason and I swallow and completely accept his reason and sometimes yes, I was upset with his reason and I’m starting to have my ego giving me excuses why his decision is not right for me but then I get over it, and learn that I know, he is my teacher (hubby as well), and he knows me better than my self, so I should follow his guidance without questioning him. And aquaponics is an area of my skill that I’m not comfortable yet. I know that I have fear over this as well and that will be my homework. And for him to take away some of my most joyus passions which are: food forest gardening and preparing meal for the family, I feel it’s a big relief so I can focus my energy to learn something else and learn to let go of things. Learning that I’m nobody and I’m here to share.
We can’t always choose what we want to do in life and often times, even we want it, that choice will just simply is not happening at all. Even in our perception that those choice/choices are the best for us to do. We often forget, it is always Allah who decide things to happen for us. And when we are align with our purpose in life, then those choices are coming to take form n happening then we can feel that is what we’re meant to do, or we say that we like what we choose or what is happening.
Life is a journey of our body n soul serving what Allah wants from us to be the highest of ourself. We are here for a purpose of His Great Plan. But often times we do not know what we’re here for. We become blinded and deaf and numb because of detachment from Allah’s voice by the running course of our lives (whichever course we choose).
So now, before we say we don’t like what is happening to us, before we shoot our ego bullet to protect ourself from revealing truth, from making the change we need to make and from seeing the wound within our mind and soul, let us speak to ourself. What are we afraid of? What stopping us from becoming our best self to serve Allah?
May our soul get His Mercy